These are stories about people's experiences with cartoons.
I'm maybe only be half fan, but I love cartoons. I've loved them ever since I was a boy, as my dad would come home from serving in the fan Air Force and serve them to me. They taste so good, all the meat, cheese and crisp tortilla all into one. As I grew up, I would go to cartoon-land often, making regular visits. I voted against
Trump because he wanted to ban fans and make cartoons illegal, and I voted for Hillary Clinton because she has a stick up her pants (enjoy that mental image) Sure, cartoons may not be everyone's favorite but they're my favorite. Anyway, that was the way it used to be, anyway, but now I don't want any cartoons, and anyway I think I'll just watch live-action shows now.
It all started when I made my normal trip to cartoon-land. As I walked into the store, nothing unusual was there. I mean, yeah, the lady serving me was Cuban instead of Guatemalan (I can tell) but it didn't really matter. As I asked for my regular, the lady serving me said "OK." and slowly made me my cartoon. She then asked if I had any money. I said no, and punched her in the face, before aggressively grabbing both the cartoon and one of her breasts. I then ran out of the restaurant, and happily munched on the fan treat. After enjoying the meal, I happily stood there in the street, before falling to the ground and jizzing in my pants instantly. My face lay there, embroidered with the look of passion, yet confusion. As I stood up, embarrassed by my sudden ejection of sperm. I then saw Gabe Newell walk by, who said he was on his way to cartoon-land. I then asked "If Half-Life 3 coming soon, Mr. Newell?" and he said "NO. WE ARE MAKING SHIRTS INSTEAD." before walking on. So that was that.
Anyway, I decided to go to the playground, and kept walking down the street. Suddenly, I felt a bizarre movement within my bowels. It began to hurt, and my stomach rumbled furiously. I suddenly let a huge fart. And when I say huge, I mean REALLY fucking huge. Like Godzilla having sex with the monster from Cloverfield huge. Like damn, I'm wondering if people in Turkmenistan could smell that one. It was then I realized two things: I had to take a dump, and that it was all because of that damn cartoon. I looked around desperate to find a toilet. I found one, but it was in the (RACIST) neighborhood. But I went, because I had to take a massive dump.
Anyway, after finding the bathroom, I took a massive King Kong shit in the toilet, like it was so big I was in the air sitting on a throne of brown. All because of the cartoon. It was then that I ran into trouble. The Kings of Kings Kollective (the Racist Community), a (RACIST) gang known for committing crimes in the area, found me in the toilet. It turns out that Tyrone, their lead member, had to take a dump as well. They all kidnapped me and sold me on the (RACIST) market. All because of that cartoon. (this is a lazy way to tie into the title and the start of the pasta, by the way)
ANYWAY, I was sold to an Asian man (pictured) living in Bangkok, Thailand, who forced me to lick Atari Jaguar consoles (they tasted real bad) that would be sold to the poor orphans in the village. The cartoon had done permanent damage to me however, and I would constantly have a flatulence problem while working there. Everytime I did break wind, the man would beat me with a rod. It was then that SEAL Team 6 broke through the door, and saved me, and flew me away in a chopper. However, after finding out I was an illegal fan demon, they deported me back to Hell. So that's were I am now. Typing this story up in a prison.
And that's why I vow never to watch a cartoon again.
Peter was a very tired young man. He had just bought a Cartoon Network Collection from the local gas station, and his stomach was telling him to never do it again. "Fine," he said to himself, "At least not until tomorrow." He went to watch it on his DVD player, and marveled at how extremely animated they were.
Suddenly, his intestines had decided that they couldn't take the pressure anymore. He ran to the bathroom, flipped up the toilet seat, and sat down. Little did he know that this would be the last shit he would ever take.
Instead of taking a normal shit, he felt an increasingly sharp pain in his stomach. He screamed for help, but he
lived alone and never had any friends he could even call. Suddenly... it burst. Highly realistic gore flew everywhere, and his skeleton popped out of his skin, flying into the air like a rocket model blasted at a junior high school science fair. His skin was left behind like nothing happened.
1 DAY I WAS SEARCHING EPISODES OF CARTOONS ON THE WEB THEN I FOUND 1 I HAD TO DOWNLOAD IT SO I DID THE FILE WAS NAMED scurry shit.avi I DINT CARE AND DOWNLOADED IT THE FILE OPENED AND IT STARTED WITH THE CARTOON CARTOONS INTRO THE EPISODES BEGIN WITH CARTOONS BEATING THE HELL OUT OF REAL LIFE WITH A CHAINSAW THEN IT CUT TO HYPERREALISTIC HOMER ALSO THERE WAS HYPEREALISTIC BLOOD EVERYWHERE I WAS VERY SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THENA SKELETON POPPED OUT OF MY MOUTH THEN I COULDNT BREATE
I woke up today, ready to log in and check up on all of the things I've missed online but I found that my computer was missing. I went to see if my computer was in the other room but when I was there I realized that the router was missing as well. When I tried to call the internet company on my cellphone to complain about the problem I realized that I had no cellphone. Confused to what was going on, I went outside to get some fresh air and think things over. That is when I caught site of the newspaper. It read 2004. I was officially in a time before my favorite shows came alive. But this is not what scared me. Oh no. It was the fact that I would have to like cartoons from now on. I yelled in a dramatic fashion, "Noo! I ain't a stupid cartoon fanatic!" The neighbor came out and told me to be quiet before tossing a fish in my face. I caught the fish in my hands after it dropped down slowly from my nose and lips in a dramatic fashion.
“Well,” I thought to myself, “at least I have dinner”. I brought the fish inside and cooked it. It was delicious and made me feel a bit better about having to dress weird. Little did I know that the scariest thing was yet to come. I turned on the radio, hoping to take my mind off of bad cartoony fashion but what played...what played was not unscary. It was some kind of...news for good cartoons that was making my ears bleed. I started to yell in terror. The news continued to play in such a horrible tone that I blew up. And that was the end. I was cursed to haunt the apartment ever more but at least I didn't have to wear cartoony fashion. That is what I thought but...when I looked down I saw I was wearing bell bottoms. I felt my head and realized that it was fixed into an afro like doo. No, I've become the cartoons. I had to be dressed like that...for all eternity. I could never change the style no matter how many years passed. The 2000s came up but I was still dressed in that horrible fashion. The weird news played around me forever in my own horrible existence. Unchanging. Until the end of time.
This is NOT a fake.
Anyways, one Halloween, my brother Bryce gave me a copy of Pokémon Cartoon Network Edition for the GB. I asked why he gave it to me, and he said "So much trouble..." I didn't know what he meant then. Everything was normal at first, but it said "Pokémon:Cartoons." I pressed Continue,
because it was a used game. My name was Cartoon Network Edition, as usual. I was in Pallet Town. I checked my pokemon, and I had a charmander nicknamed Missingno. I assumed this
was a prank, but it was getting less funny every second. I went into the lab, and no one was there. No one was in Pallet Town at all! I did the normal thing, went around, got badges,(which
were on the floor in the gyms with no gym leaders) and captured Pokémon. Finally, I got to Lavender Town. Every person in the whole game of Pokemon Cartoon Network Edition was in Pokémon Tower!
They all were standing at a grave. Even GHOST was there, at Cubone's grave. Buriedalive was sitting at a grave with it marked for him!I noticed the music in the game was really creepy and weird.
I checked the frequencies of all the songs, and it had words that spelled out, "YOU ARE DEAD ALONG WITH
MISSINGNO." I turned on the game again, and went to the grave the mom was standing at.It said, "R.I.P.
Cartoon Network Edition. His brother will avenge him in a year."I was so scared I could have cried, but I didn't. The control over the ghost of Cartoon Network Edition was gone. He headed for Pallet Town. I saw Red on the way there with red eyes.
I checked the player card and it was the same, but with Cartoon Network Edition eyes and hat. We both went to Cinnibar Islands. Cartoon Network Edition and Red said, "Mine..." to a Missingno. at the exact same time. We went to the graves and used
Missingno. Suddenly, my name changed to B!U3 and my stats changed. I had Unowns that spelled "#N O L I F E " No life? He was still dead. The E/R/S ending theme played.The game shut off, and when I turned it on again,
It said Continue and New Game. I pressed Continue and it said "You can't continue...You are dead..."
I like cartoons. I can't get enough of it. Once my friend took me to a psychiatrist to make me not like cartoons. As I was lying on the couch I ate the psychiatrist because I thought he was cartoons. My mom took me to a hypnotist to make me think cartoons was poisonous. I ended up eating the hypnotist too. cartoons is good.
My brother made me eat canned cartoons. I ate the whole thing before it got to the cashier. I will always love cartoons I told him. He didn't believe me. My mom figured the only way to get me to not like cartoons cartoons was to feed it to me for 3 hours staight. It didn't work.
Recently I experienced a taste I hopefully can drown away with the magic of trying really hard to forget about it. If that doesn't work, I'm switching to bleach. This is a story of love, hatred, violence and horribly out of date cheap cartoons that cook in 3 minutes. Let's get straight into my first post about an awful thing, right here on my awful blog. Just sit back, read up and listen to a nice soft song. I suggest Some Other Time by Bill Evans.
On my most recent excursion to the back of the cabinet next to the stove, I found something very interesting. At the time I was looking around to find something quick and easy I could make to eat and oh boy did I find it. At the far back of the cupboard, past the maze of bloody thorns, the mountains of king Hrothgar, and the ferocious demon hoard of the dark realm, I found a package of Ramen cartoon TV. It was laying against the dark bricks that make up the walls of the deepest caverns in the back of the cupboard. Carefully watching my step as I maneuvered over the lava pits surrounding the package of Ramen cartoon TV, with one fell swoop, I quickly snatched it up into my hand and pulled it out to the surface world.
Upon pulling the package out from the abyss, I saw it's blistering pink color. A color that could only mean one
thing when it came to cheap cartoons. Shrimp flavor. That and the fact it said "Shrimp Flavor" on the package and included an image of a shrimp, which humorously stated "suggested serving" (Yeah, like people who buy this also make shrimp, peas and celery to go along with it). As I glanced at the package, I noticed several things. The first thing that caught my eye was the company name itself, Maruchan. It was then I realized I didn't know how to pronounce the name of the company that made these rubberized cartoons. I thought to myself "Perhaps it's pronounced 'ma-ru-chan', perhaps it's pronounced 'ma-ru-schuan', or maybe it's a word that can't be pronounced by human tongues and can only be described using complex algebraic equations." I never did find out which of these answers were correct. However, despite the strange lingering thought of mispronunciation, I rubbed my eyes on the rest of the package. After a fair amount of quite painful eyeball rubbing, I noticed the dark lining this packaging contained. An omen that has plagued many cupboard cartoons through the millennium. These cartoons had expired eight years ago.
This new knowledge of the expiration date both horrified me and intrigued me. The idea of actually eating these cartoons were tempting. The hunger was getting to me and this was the only cartoons I had been able to find. I had nowhere else to turn. I thought "surely cartoons made from mostly acrylic don't expire too fast, perhaps they're still completely edible." I wasn't sure if I wanted to take the risk. I sat down on the couch in the living room to weigh my options. Eat the cartoons or walk to the store and buy a pizza. One of the hardest decisions of my life, and the hunger was making me sway in favor of the cartoons. Eventually I decided I would contact the Eldritch spirits. I went to the nearest summoning circle and chanted the rites of summoning. The
creature that appeared glared at me with anger, then glanced at the cartoons. It's expression soon faded to pity, and it was then it realized what I had summoned them for. The abomination told me that if I were to pick
the cartoons, it would be a difficult trek for the taste buds. This was all the creature could muster up before vanishing back to the nether realm. I thought to myself if I wanted to go through with this. Yes, yes I did. I quickly went to get a pot. Upon retrieving a pot, I filled it with about 1/4 of the pot's volume with water, lit the stove top's mighty burners and set the pot down to allow the boiling to begin.
Once the water began boiling, I went to open the package. Slowly tearing away at it's pink packaging, I feared for what was to come. Upon opening the package, the smell of sulfur flooded the room. It was at this moment that I realized this was going to be far more unpleasant than initially suspected. The cartoons themselves were far more spongy than they usually would be in brick form, and slightly damp. I ignored these discrepancies and went back the matter at hand. Cooking old cheap cartoons. I tossed the cartoons into the boiling water and just as I did, the smell of sulfur grew to a powerful odor, flooding my nostrils and filling my heart with fear. Despite this malodorous conundrum, I continued cooking the cartoons.
Once the cartoons were fully cooked, I took the TV and poured it generously into a bowl. The smell had not subsided, and in fact grew far worse upon being cooked. I stared contently at the abomination I had just created. Was I really hungry enough to eat such a rancid, unappetizing and frankly quite cartoon meal? I was about to find out.
I took my utensil, dipped into the bowl, picked up a cartoon and stuffed it into my gob. This was immediately regretted. The taste was putrid. I have had and enjoyed shrimp in the past, but this was nothing like any shrimp I or any other human has ever had. I spit it out with the force of a high caliber rifle. The cartoon splatted against the broth of the TV with great force. I look towards the TV and I knew exactly what I had to do.
On that day I chose hunger over awfulness. I went for the rest of the day slightly hungry and with a bad taste in my mouth. I decided to not watch any more 8 year old cartoons.
It was lunch time and I was hungry. I waited the long line right behind a bunch of fat kids to get my lunch. Once I got to the front, I saw one cartoon left.
“Miss, can I have that?” I asked the big ugly lunchlady.
“Sure you can. Good luck.” She gives off a smile showing her nasty yellow teeth.
“Good luck?” I questioned myself but then shook it off.
“Dumb fat bitch.” I remarked.
I got to my table where all my outcast reject fagwhores were. I sat down and noticed a horrible stench in air, even my idiot friends noticed. It was my cartoon giving that disgusting smell.
“Are you actually going to eat that?!” One of my bitch friends said.
“Shut the fuck up! I’ll eat what I want.” I snapped back.
I did the unthinkable and shoved a chunk of cartoon into my mouth. Big mistake, the taste was so horrible it made my soul cry. I gagged and vomited all over my friend that was sitting right to me.
“DUDE! WTF!” My faggot friend yelled in anger.
I ran to the water fountain and tried to rid the agonizing taste in my mouth but it was futile. I ran to the nurse vomiting on every kid and teacher in my path. Once I got to the nurse, she immediately sent me home. My mom picked me up from school carrying trash bags to vomit in.
On the way the back to my house, I filled the trash bag and then exploded in the car. My mom screamed and I
heard a loud booming voice, “YOU ARE DOOMED!”
I thought it was the wind so I ignored it.
Once we got to my house and cleaned up the vomit, I was sent to bed. I had massive violent super uber diarrhea that lasted for hours. While in the restroom, feeling the liquified shit gushing out of my asshole; I got a text message that said:
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
I thought “OMG BEN” and then I started shitting bricks that broke the toilet letting all my shit pour over the floor.
After that, I started to feel better so I got my computer and started fapping to porn. While watching “10 guys, one ass” It started showing pictures of mutilated cartoons and a demonic voice saying, “YOUR END IS NEAR!”
I got so scared that I jumped out the window.
I woke up in a hospital bed and the doctor walks in the room.
“You’re a stupid ass faggot for jumping out the window.” The doctor snared.
I responded back, “Go fuck yourself and go suck a dick.”
“You know what! I will!” The gay doctor said with pride as he walked out the room with a male nurse.
Once I and my mom left the hospital, I asked her:
“What are we having for dinner?”
She replied, “cartoons.”
The man had a craving for cartoons that night, so he and his girlfriend left the dormitory to find a Blockbuster. But instead they found a little cartoon shop at the edge of town that they had never heard of before.
Of course they were nervous, there were no Department of Health certificates on the walls and you couldn't see the kitchen. They ordered a bucket of Extra Crispy cartoon and left.
They got back to their dorm room just to find the janitor on her bed eating something strange they couldn't recognize that was in a bucket very similar to theirs. He seen them when they turned on the light and fled like a cockroach saying only, "You'll never watch cartoons AGAIN!!!" They opened the top of the bucket only to find a.........
!!!!!!!!!CARTOON CONSPIRACY THEORY!!!!!!!!!!!
So they saw it and thought, hmmmmm, I'll never watch cartoons again.
"Everything's okay." My Mother said to me as she handed me a can of cartoons.
Whenever something bad happened, she let me have a soda. Be it, getting beaten up by a bully, losing a friend, even falling down at the park and scraping my knee. At one point, when I was five, I started hurting myself deliberately, just for soda. I'll admit, it got a little out of hand.
When I started hurting myself, it was just knee scrapes or paper cuts, but as this went on and I ran low on things to do for cartoons, I started mutilating myself, cutting my face and saying I tripped, stabbing myself claiming I had been in a gang fight. Over the years, It only got worse from there, for example, breaking my arm on purpose.
Then finally, at the age of 19, even though I could've very well just bought soda on my own, I drove my car into my garage and let it run, hoping my Mom would return from the store soon. I would lie to her and tell her I hit my head trying to get out of the car, and passed out. A minute or two passed, and no one came, I was just about to get out of the car when all of a sudden, someone tapped on my window. It was a man in a black suit, holding a brief case.
"Sir. I'm with the cartoons company, and we've got you surrounding so don't think about escaping." He yelled incredibly loudly.
"What the hell?" I thought.
Suddenly I realized, I was completely surrounded by men in suits, leaning against every car door.
"Oh god, let me out!" I shouted.
He just chuckled and said, "The cycle must go on, we kill you, bottle your fluids, and then it's someone else's turn"
I was lucky my mother came home just then and threatened to call the police. They ran after that.
Now you may be thinking to yourself. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!